Mrs Slagg welcomed back Mr Slagg with open arms:
All this gay slave business was behind him, but things soured very quickly.
In fact, the worse that could happen, did happen:
Her Husband was in love with another woman.
Mrs Slagg had never liked the bitch from the start:
Even his son "helping himself" and laying a seed in her flat belly, did not deter the old fool. He followed her around like a lost puppy:
To rub salt into the wounds, Master Paul "requested" the cow stay with them, during her confinement.
That didn't mean Mrs Slagg didn't pull out all the stops:
She wasn't going to take this lying down!
(Not like that scrubber, Marigold)
And a tip-off from her brought the mare's enstranged knife-wielding husband back from the seas.
who, unfortunately for Mrs Slagg, encountered Marjorie while looking for revenge:
And a long afternoon in her bedchamber dampened his thirst for blood.
Mrs Slagg half-hearted accepted a date from a nice young migrant (from Belgium).
A bit uptight, but he'd do. If an open marriage was good enough for her in-laws....
But...
Mrs Slagg sighed. Her heart would never be mended......
Is there no end to the Slagg's misery? I don't think there is!
Tune in same time, same channel....
Don't touch that dial!!!
Mr Slagg, in his new role, is currently enjoying a vacation in Malibu:
While sighing wistfully for a view of Frinton-on-Sea, he receives a long-distance call from his enstranged wife:
"Charlie, it's imperative you come back right away!", Mrs Slagg pleaded (over speakaphone.)
"Your bloody parents are here! Wot am I gonna tell them?!"
At these words, Mr Slagg jumped on the nearest flight to Basildon Airport. Yes, this would be most awkward indeed.
He had never been close with his father, he knew he hadn't come up to the old man's expectations.
It was hard to tell him he was separated from his bride, and had become a gay sex slave.
His relationship with his mother wasn't any better. She was disappointed at the lack of grandchildren, especially as the Rumanian adoptees had now been deported.
Mr Slagg rushed straight to the kitchen:
"You look very tanned", Mrs Slagg said sniffily.
"It ain't all that, Tarantella, believe me. How's me dog and tortoise?"
"Missing you.", she said accusingly. In truth, so was Mrs Slagg, but she kept quiet.
"Hello, me boy!" Mr Slagg senior greeted his only child. "Congratulations on marrying such a lovely girl. You've (finally) done us proud, son!"
Mr and Mrs Slagg sighed: They cannot live a lie, so reluctantly, Mr Slagg took his father to one side:
"Look Dad..." he began
Likewise, Mrs Slagg had the unenviable task of putting her mother-in-law in the picture......
"Oh", his Dad exclaimed, "Is that all ??"
Mr Slagg looked at his father in a daze:
"Me and your mum have had an open marriage for some time..."
"In fact, I was wondering if you'd pop out for a while. Got a right little cracker coming round!"
"And I've got a superstud arriving at the same time!", Mrs Slagg senior cackled lecherously.
"Whaaattt????" The estranged couple cried in unison.
"Sod this, Tarantella! This can only mean one thing...."
"You mean....?" She held her breath.
"Yes! We're orf to Jaywick!!"
"Oh Charlie", Mrs Slagg sighed with sheer happiness.
Have a lovely summer, fans. (What's left of it!)
Sadly, this large ready-made family became too much for our Mr Slagg
And so, Mrs Slagg and her new Rumanians, tearfully waved him off for the final time.
However, Mr Slagg has landed on his feet...
What's this??? Snazzy cars parked outside a snazzy house??!! (With a paper swimming pool)!!
What's going on, Mr Slagg??
I mean, just look at that laundry room! That would have kept Mary busy for days!!
"Pretty snazzy looking bog too", Mr Slagg cackles smugly:
I smell a rat, Mr Slagg!
Oh, I get it! You've moved back in with that odd-looking caretaker, and gone gay, haven't you?!
Mr Slagg nods shyly.
What's that? Your new "partner" is explaining that the lady of the house requires you both to play sex games with her. That's the condition of free bed and board.
Mr Slagg nods. He could cope with that. Especially if she's a bit of a smasher. Hang on, she's walking in now....
Arghh! Mr Slagg exclaims: It's that cow, Madonna!!
"Oh hi there, Mr Slagg. Have you got those handcuffs on yet???"
"Ratscocks!!"
Oh dear, is Mr Slagg doomed to be Madonna's sex slave for all time? Or will he go crawling back to Mrs Slagg and the kids?
Or will he hang on to being gay?
Only time will tell. That's the end of this series, look out for a summer special coming very soon.
You may now touch that dial!!!!
Whatever was going on outside Chez Slaggs?! Who were these 'beings'?
"Oh Charlie! Please make them go away!", Mrs Slagg called to her Husband from the window:
Without another word, Mr Slagg confronted the hostile crowd:
"What the fuck is all this? Take me to your leader now!"
"My hero", sighed Mrs Slagg
He was led to their leader:
"What the blazes is all this about?!"
"The new messiah!", the unassuming chief replied, "Your female has him. He belongs to us."
"Oh! You mean the brat? Why the bloody hell didn't you say so? We'll throw in the pram an' all! 'old on a tick!"
Mrs Slagg, who had overheard, was as sharp as a whip:
"It's a No, Charlie!"
"For Gods sake, woman! Do you want to get rid of this shower or not??"
"This is my last chance to raise a child, I'm not giving him up!"
Without another word, Mr Slagg grabbed the pram and infant, and handed it over to the dubious looking cult leader.
"Take him and fuck off! 'Bye, Bratt!"
"Hail! Hail! The New Messiah!", their chants grew fainter as they walked off back into the hills.
"I'm sorry, Tarantella, it had to be done"
"That was my last chance to raise a child!", she wailed.
"Nonsense, we can loads more! Now, I need a pint!", and our hero left the childless house.
Mrs Slagg grew thoughtful:
Loads more - eh?
Many hours later, Mr Slagg returned.
A sense of forboding engulfed him
"Oh Charlie...!", Mrs Slagg cooed.
"Look! I've got the Romanian orphans back off Mary! They've come home to us!"
"Rats cocks!"
Will Mr Slagg embrace Fatherhood at last?
Tune in same time, same channel for the gripping concluding episode..
Don't touch that dial!!!
Our hero is devastated. He will never be rid of this demonic brat:
And the last straw came when he confronted 'the thing' while eating his Farley's Rusks
"I'll get rid of you if it's the last thing I do!", threatened Mr Slagg.
"So - er - how's brassy lady ?", the young infant sneered.
"You - you wouldn't..."
"Oh Mama!", lisped Raymond Junior
"Shut up! Stop it!"
And Mr Slagg fled.
And moved in with an old pal, who was caretaker at some crumbling mansion outside Dollis Hill. It wasn't ideal, but his mate had the run of the house, as long as he looked after the creepy kid with curly hair.
"You ought to see mine !" Mr Slagg mumbled.
They rubbed along well enough, but Mr Slagg worried for his new wife. But to stay there with that kid would be intolerable, and if he set foot back in that door, the brat would tell her about Brassy Lady!
Then the inevitable happened.
An urgent phone call came through for Mr Slagg:
"'ello?", he answered cautiously
"Charlie!", Mrs Slagg was breathless with fear:
"Please come quickly! Help!"
Mr Slagg legged it to his former home as fast as he feasibly could.
"Oh my giddy aunt!", he exclaimed on arrival:
"Hail! Hail!" , the bizarre crowd chanted
"What the fu......"
"Charlie! Charlie!", Mrs Slagg called from the window, "Who are they? Get rid of them!"
Will Mr Slagg save his new wife from this evil cult? Or will he go to the pub?
Tune in same time, same channel...
Don't touch that dial!!!
Mrs Slagg entered in the nick of time:
"Why, Charlie, what are you doing with little Raymond? Look how upset he is!"
Raymond looked cute and angelic as Mrs Slagg put him in his pram.
"Now you take him out, Charlie. The zoo would be nice."
This gave Mr Slagg an idea:
He drudged the "child" to their local zoo.
He turned to the two monkeys hovering beside him:
"Oi, you two! You'd like a child to bring up, wouldn't you? Like Tarzan and that? You can 'ave this one!"
"No! Fuck off!"
They retorted, as they swung across the railings.
Mr Slagg, somewhat foolishly, entered the lion's den.
"Oi, are you hungry? I've got a kid 'ere you could rip apart! Or adopt 'im. Don't care either way!"
"You'll have to ask our Dad. 'ere he comes now!"
"No!", Dad roared, "Fuck off!"
Mr Slagg legged it, and was despondent, until:
"Yay! A bus! One of Boris Johnson's new ones. I could leave the little bugger on there. Father's do it all the time."
Mr Slagg did just that, but as he smugly entered the house:
"Oh hello, Charlie. A nice bus driver dropped our baby home. "His eyes!" he kept saying,
I told him, he has his father's eyes, and he ran off screaming! Why?"
"Rats cocks!"
Will Mr Slagg ever rid his home of this evil child?
Or will he have to suffer those eyes for all eternity?
Tune in, same time, same channel for the next gripping instalment.
Don't touch that dial!!!
