At Home with the Slaggs part Five

Our hero is devastated. He will never be rid of this demonic brat:

And the last straw came when he confronted 'the thing' while eating his Farley's Rusks

"I'll get rid of you if it's the last thing I do!", threatened Mr Slagg.

"So - er - how's brassy lady ?", the young infant sneered.

"You - you wouldn't..."

"Oh Mama!", lisped Raymond Junior

"Shut up!  Stop it!"
And Mr Slagg fled.

And moved in with an old pal, who was caretaker at some crumbling mansion outside Dollis Hill.  It wasn't ideal, but his mate had the run of the house, as long as he looked after the creepy kid with curly hair.  

"You ought to see mine !" Mr Slagg mumbled. 

They rubbed along well enough, but Mr Slagg worried for his new wife.  But to stay there with that kid would be intolerable, and if he set foot back in that door, the brat would tell her about Brassy Lady! 

Then the inevitable happened.

An urgent phone call came through for Mr Slagg:

"'ello?", he answered cautiously

"Charlie!", Mrs Slagg was breathless with fear:

"Please come quickly!  Help!"


Mr Slagg legged it to his former home as fast as he feasibly could.
"Oh my giddy aunt!", he exclaimed on arrival:

"Hail!  Hail!" , the bizarre crowd chanted

"What the fu......"

"Charlie!  Charlie!", Mrs Slagg called from the window, "Who are they?  Get rid of them!"


Will Mr Slagg save his new wife from this evil cult?  Or will he go to the pub?

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At Home with The Slaggs part four

Mrs Slagg entered in the nick of time:

"Why, Charlie, what are you doing with little Raymond?  Look how upset he is!"

Raymond looked cute and angelic as Mrs Slagg put him in his pram.  

"Now you take him out, Charlie.  The zoo would be nice."

This gave Mr Slagg an idea:

He drudged the "child" to their local zoo.  

He turned to the two monkeys hovering beside him:

"Oi, you two!  You'd like a child to bring up, wouldn't you?  Like Tarzan and that? You can 'ave this one!"

"No!  Fuck off!"
They retorted, as they swung across the railings.

Mr Slagg, somewhat foolishly, entered the lion's den.

"Oi, are you hungry?  I've got a kid 'ere you could rip apart!  Or adopt 'im.  Don't care either way!"

"You'll have to ask our Dad.  'ere he comes now!"

"No!", Dad roared, "Fuck off!"

Mr Slagg legged it, and was despondent, until:

"Yay!  A bus!  One of Boris Johnson's new ones.  I could leave the little bugger on there.  Father's do it all the time."

Mr Slagg did just that, but as he smugly entered the house:

"Oh hello, Charlie.  A nice bus driver dropped our baby home.  "His eyes!"  he kept saying, 
I told him, he has his father's eyes, and he ran off screaming!  Why?"

"Rats cocks!"

Will Mr Slagg ever rid his home of this evil child? 

Or will he have to suffer those eyes for all eternity?



Tune in, same time, same channel for the next gripping instalment.

Don't touch that dial!!!

At Home with the Slaggs - Part Three

"Charlie, I'm so dreadfully sorry.", was all Mrs Slagg could offer

Mr Slagg thought she didn't look that sorry, the way she fawned over that....thing !!

"Please, Charlie", Mrs Slagg implored her new husband, "Embrace 'our' son.  He's part of our lives now."

But Mr Slagg remained rigid.

Mr Slagg's other (illegitimate) son, Paul, called round to see his new 'sibling'.

"I say, he's a bit of a whopper - what! Welcome to the world, little brother"

The Brassy lady, with whom our hero still took comfort from a few days a week, tried to encourage him to embrace fatherhood:

"But his eyes...."
"He has his father's eyes", she replied coldly.

So Mr Slagg relinquished his ideal of bathing a perfect baby and tried to come round to the idea:

And one day, he decided to bite the bullet and hold it - him.....







But......

But upon picking up the little git, it went for his throat.  Mr Slagg saw his frustrated life flash before him....

Is Raymond's son trying to kill off our hero?  Will this be the end of Mr Slagg as we know him?  And will the brat's father Raymond take over the series?  Or will Brassy Lady muscle in?  

Don't miss the next installment!  Same time, same channel.........

At Home with the Slaggs!

At first, our hero was mortified:

Then the glamorous Lord Posh talked him round:

He was very proud of all his children, wherever they were.  

"A second stab, what?", Posh cackled.

This made our Mr Slagg come round to the idea.  His child, this time round, brought up by him himself.  Being a proper hands-on parent.  In fact, he might even go in for 3 or 4!!

He tried to convey this to Mrs Slagg, as she lay in confinement.  She gave an almighty scream, and he ran and fetched Mary.  Then he went off to the pub.

However, upon his return, wetting the baby's head well into closing time:

He was met by a pale and wan Mrs Slagg.  

"Have you had it then?", 
Mr Slagg slurred.

"Yes.  But, Charlie, there's something I must tell you...."


"Out of my way, woman!  I want to see my new child!"

"Charlie!  Please listen..."

But it was too late, and she could only hear his cry of horror:

"Arrghhh.....!"

The child looks up at him.......

Oh Dear God!  Mrs Slagg has borne Raymond's son (see last series).  A fiend-like alien, with a leg missing.  Surely this is unforgivable....

Can Mr Slagg love this child-thing as his own?  Or will he throw in the towel??  Will Mrs Slagg just carry on breast feeding?  Or will she do formula?

Don't miss the next instalment.  

Same time, same channel,  don't touch that dial!!!

At Home with the Slaggs!!!

Our hero and heroine have finally tied the knot:

And they return home radiant from their honeymoon in Jaywick. 

But what's this?  Their first night at home, when they can finally share their bed as Man and Wife, Mrs Slagg becomes reticent!

As shy as a young and sheltered bride, who knew nothing of the world....

Mr Slagg was torn about this, and he looks into annulment and the price of twin beds in the Argos catalogue.  

However:

The sound of retching confirmed Mr Slagg's worst fears.  








And he spent a disgtruntled night in the bath

Even that was preferable to the news he was going to have to face the next morning:

Inevitably it came;

"Charlie, we are With Child"

"Ratscocks!"

Is our Mr Slagg trapped more than ever?!  Will he cancel that order from Argos?

Don't miss the next installment!

Tune in, same time, same channel .....  Do not
touch  that dial!!!

At Home with The Slaggs - Part Five

Mr Slagg immediately jumps into action:

 "Unhand her!  You....you aliens!!!"

 But the mutt and the tortoise were too slick for them.  Tortoise went straight for the foot, and the mutt went straight for the nether regions.
"That fuckin' hurt !", one of the aliens muttered. 

 "Fuck off, earthling!" Raymond confronted Mr Slagg, "It's too late.  Mrs Slagg is bound for a debauched existence on the Plant Bang!"






Mr Slagg then poked Raymond in the eye.  Who subsequently ran off, exclaiming that he was getting his mum up here! 

 "Oh thank God, Tarantella.  I've just saved you from being transported to the Planet Bang!  Once there, you would have had to have endured constant and kinky sex!"

Mrs Slagg, although admiring Mr Slagg's bravery, secretly wished he'd had minded his own business.  

 "Well, we're back together now, my dear.  Tell me, was Raymond a better lover than me?"

"No, Charlie," Mrs Slagg lied.




"Not only that," Mr Slagg continued, "But we have gained two lovely pets.  A complete family at last.  No more of this talk of adopting kids, eh?"

 Mrs Slagg simply sighed, and said:
"Okay, Charlie.  Now when are we setting this wedding date....?"

"Ah, I must be off now...."

 "Bastard!", cried Mrs Slagg.

Well, look's like it's back to normal for The Slaggs.  Things could so easily have been different!  

You may now touch that dial!!  Only until the Christmas Special gets made, I mean aired.  

 

The Slaggs Part Four

Upon hearing this terrible news, Mr Slagg runs to his former paramour, his heart pounding:

 "Tarantella," he panted, "If it's marriage you want, then we'll go to the register office now.  The "mutt" can be our witness!"

 "Oh bless your heart, Charlie!  I'm going to be a bride anyway.  I've just accepted Raymond's proposal - he made it just after our morning bath - titter!!"

Mr Slagg shuddered!  
He was grateful the tortoise had been with him, and not been able to witness such filth!






 

 

Just in time, he regained his senses.  

"Tarantella!  Listen to me!  You are in great danger!  Raymond is not all he seems!"

"Oh  you jealous old fool!"

"Please believe me!  It's a trap!"

"Sod off, Charlie!"

 

 "Yeah!  Bugger off, earthling!  I mean, Slagg!"
Raymond put the boot in.  

So that, as they say, was that.  

Mr Slagg took comfort with the brassy lady, and moved in with her for a while.  But she was a cold type, and her table was bare.

Then suddenly:

He heard an urgent and familiar cry:

It was Mrs Slagg in distress!








"Oh help, Charlie!  Help!"

Oh no!  Is this it for Mrs Slagg?  Should she have heeded Mr Slagg's warning?

Will Mr Slagg be able to rescue his former love from a life of debauched sexual activity on the planet Bang?  Or will he miss the number 11 bus, and it would be all too late?  

Tune in same time, same channel for the next gripping episode.  

Don't touch that dial!!!