Upon discovery, Mr Slagg explained an (edited) version of Running River's presence. All the same, Mrs Slagg did her nut:
"Oh, you wicked girl! How could you break a good toff's heart like that?!
"Hey, old woman.", Running River huffed, "You no understand. Gotta get back to reservation. New Chief hung like....."
"Ha, ha!", Mr Slagg cut in, "Very funny, my dear."
Suddenly, Lord Posh appears at the Slagg's humble abode!
"My dear little Squaw!", our hero bursts, "I have searched everywhere for you, my deep and lasting love!"
Then suddenly:
A Big Indian Chief appears before Mrs Slagg.
"Oo-er!", were the words she uttered.
Is this Mrs Slagg's lot? Will Mrs Slagg be scalped? Or whisked off to the other side of Nebraska to become a sex slave on a reservation? Will she have to obey this robust and handsome Indian Chief's every whim?
Tune in, same time, same channel....
Don't touch that dial!!!!
Meanwhile, Poshie and Running River were very much an Item
- Or were they?
Lord Posh dressed his new Gal with every finery, and he was hearing wedding bells
But all Running River seemed to hear were messages of running hooves from her sister-in-law back at the settlement.
. Poshie sighed:
couldn't she use a fucking phone like everyone else? He'd bought her the i-phone 5 for Lands sake!
So one morning, when Mr Slagg left the house to do his son's gardening, he saw Running River waiting for him.
With the current state of things indoors, she was the last person he wanted to see. He didn't need any reminders of their embarassing fumble.
"Please, Charlie, me need um help." She fought back tears.
Mr Slagg was unmoved:
"Not bloody likely! And besides you're about to be Lady of the Manor, aren't you?"
"No, Charlie. Sister-in-law drummed me last night. New Chief now. He got umm four wheel drive and plasma TV screen. In with um chance. Before other squaw get claws in."
Despite his gloomy state of mind, Mr Slagg had to chuckle:
"Oh come, my dear. You can't throw away everything for such shallow reasons. Anyway, Lord Posh has a range rover, and I'm sure he'll upgrade that black and white television set for you."
"Sister in law also say, new Chief hung like a horse!"
"Let's go and mend that canoe", Mr Slagg sighed, "But you'll have to hide for a while. Can't have Mrs Slagg seeing you."
But it was too late:
"And Who might this be?" Mrs Slagg demanded.
"Lumme!", said Mr Slagg
How will Mr Slagg and Running River explain their way out of this? Will Running River get back across the Atlantic? And will Mr Slagg avoid a cuff round the ear?
Tune in, same time, same channel!
Don't touch that dial!!!!
We now seem to be in possession of a new bed. Better for my poor old back, than that plastic retro crap! Bloody ebay!
Sadly, it did nothing for mine and Mrs Slagg's Union. It could not bring about that much longed-for spark.
If only I didn't see the young Tarantella Slagg (from 30 years ago) everywhere I went.
Especially in the bathroom.
So, one winter's evening, when Tarantella returned from the Amanda-Ann house, I explained how I felt. It was dishonest to live in the past, and to deceive this good woman.
"I can only see the young You, Tarantella. I only see that raven-haired stunning gypsy you once were. I see your former self everywhere in this house"
"Oh, you silly bugger!" Mrs Slagg declared:
"This is Bella. I met her in Tesco car park. I promised her she could sleep in the bathroom if she cleaned the house! She don't speak much English tho'. Don't know how much she understood."
I gulped: "She's been in the bathroom the whole time? She's a real person?"
"Yes, dear. Never seen a tiled floor so clean! Now, do you want your brisket stew or not?"
Bugger! Now I've got to avoid two women in the house!
Which way will Mr Slagg turn? Will he stay and fight? Or will he throw in the towel, and kip on his son's chaise lounge?
Sadly things only get worse for poor Mr Slagg. Tune in same time, same channel, to see how our hero fights for another day.
Don't touch that dial!!!!
The next morning:
Mrs Slagg, devastated that her fiancee did not come home, cried tears into the Master's morning tea.
Paul tried not to sigh, and promised her he would talk to the old fool.
Unbeknown to Mrs Slagg, her soulmate was lying in the bed above her, as she wept.
Last night, he went back up the stairs to become One with Running River. "Slow down a bit, love", were his uttered words of passion.
And that morning, as he watched his potential new bride sleep, his heart raced with longing.
He supposed he had better make an honest woman of Running River now. But how to tell poor Mrs Slagg, and to break apart their new future?
He would tell her after the wedding, yes, that was probably best.
Bleary-eyed, Running River stumbled into the kitchen, and Mr Slagg looked forward to his pre-wedding breakfast with his new paramour.
But....? What was this..? Whatever had she served him...?
"Noodles, Charlie, from um Lidel's. What you want? Fucking Buffalo?"
Well, egg and chips would have been nice! This was too much for any red-blooded male, and Mr Slagg stormed out and away from his bride-to-be.
"Fuck off!", were her last words to him.
Running River sobbed: It would be the Detention Centre for her now.
However, Lord Posh walked in. "I say!", he twirled his moustache at this fine young Native American. It was love at first sight. He agreed to employ her as his "assistant", which would involve many "duties".
Running River sighed with contentment as they got in the shower.
Meanwhile, Mr Slagg, knowing nothing of this, returned home sheepishly to Mrs Slagg:
She said nothing. Did not want to know anything. Just merely uttered that there would be steak and kidney pudding for lunch. Possibly an early night too.
Mr Slagg simply nodded. He had finally come home.
Is this the end of Mr Slagg's rovings? Will Running River get definite leave to remain?
Will Lord Posh last the distance?
Tune in same time, same channel........
After storming out over the red three-piece suite, Mr Slagg goes to the Amanda Ann house to see Mary. Possibly the only one who would understand. However:
he chances upon a young and wild-looking girl lurking near the kitchen.
"Me Running River", she explains in halting English, "me leg it from Dentention Centre.
Me very hungry."
"Extraordinary," he chuckled, and led her in through the back door.
Running River ate hungrily, and in-between mouthfuls, she told Mr Slagg about herself:
"Me to marry Big Chief from reservation. He streak of paralysed piss. Me jump in canoe, go Dover!"
Mr Slagg's intentions to the barefooted girl were entirely honourable. He had a true concern for this vulnerable, yet mouthy, girl. But oh, how he wished she didn't remind him so much of Tarantella Slagg (30 years ago).
They went up to Mary's attic room, and Mr Slagg told his (adopted) daughter about Running River's plight, and could she put her up for a few days?
"Any fucking funny business, and I'm on the phone to the home office!", she greeted the young visitor to English shores warmly.
"Fuck off", Running River replied.
That done, and Mary on the dinner shift, he turned to go. He would wait for Mrs Marjorie to pass out, and then sleep on her sofa. He'd done it many times before.
However, Running River turned to Mr Slagg:
"Charlie? You come to bed, yes? We get married, yes? We love each other, yes?"
At the young girl's words, Mr Slagg legged it down the stairs, and necked some of the Master's wine immediately.
Why did she remind him of Tarantella so much?, he groaned. And could he really take on such a young wife? At his age? And whatever will he tell Mrs Slagg? And most of all, should he go back up those stairs?
Will Mr Slagg start a new life with the forthright and stunning native American? Or will Mary shop her to the Home Office? Or will he simply go back and watch Downton Abbey with his Mrs Slagg?
Tune in same time, same channel, to see the devastating consequences of Mr Slagg's decision.
Yes, it's time for the spinoff show, starring Mr and Mrs Slagg:
It was no good, Mrs Slagg just didn't Do It for him:
And having this ridiculous house foisted upon him did not help.
He tried to remember how wild and beautiful Tarantella Slagg was 30 years ago, but it wasn't enough.
And that night, he feigned his usual headache
He went down his local boozer for comfort:
But he found the clientelle old and tawdry
Neither did he find any understanding from his (illegitmate) son, and that ridiculous popstar, Madonna. Why had he bothered?
Then the last straw came when he returned to his new home, and saw the living room had been changed:
"What the fu...", he thundered
"But Charlie," Mrs Slagg tried to calm her fiancee down, "The chairs are real vintage plastic, and the bookcases can make us look cultural and that."
Mr Slagg stormed off in frustration. Was he no longer in control of this so-called home? How dare she furnish their house with such shit!! That was it. He was off!
Surely Mr Slagg would never leave the warmth of his dear Mrs Slagg? Or would he?
Was that plastic retro chair a tad too far? Or was he looking for something beyond that? Something from DFS maybe? Ikea perhaps? Argos has got some nice bits too.
Tune in same time, same channel to see Mr Slagg's shocking revelation!
