At Home with the Slaggs Summer Special

Our hero is complaining - again!

 Oh dear, whatever could have happened?

 "I'll tell you what's happened!  Mrs Slagg has become broody and adopted a load of Rumanian orphans!"

 "This time she's gone too far!  I'm orf (with the tortoise!)"

Oh no, Mr Slagg, please come back!





But our man was determined:

 He went to stay with his daughter and maid of all work, Mary.  But she had a right Cob-On!
"I 'ate fucking tortoises, me"

 Not only that, but her sumptuous bathroom-
cum-guest/second bog, had been reduced considerably. 

Simply because the Lady of the house's dippy cousin was coming to stay, and they had to make up a spare bedroom!  

 However, it was an ill wind and all that.  Mr Slagg could enjoy this new guest room for a couple of weeks while cousin Daphne was at Boot Camp with Simon Cowell



However, the dream soon went sour:

 Much as Mrs Slagg loved her orphans, it was lonely being a single parent.  She took comfort in Mary, who loved them too.  Reminding her of her own kids (now in a Borstal)

 And Mr Slagg felt forlorn in that spacious but loveless spare room.  There was only Lord Posh's chimp for company.

So that evening, Mr and Mrs Slagg had a private meeting in their bog.  
Neither admitting how warm and safe they felt back together again.

After a long night, they came to an agreement:

Mary could keep the little buggers in the spare room, and adopt them!

"Whey-hey!", Mr Slagg rejoiced, "That's sorted!  Now orf to Jaywick-on-Sea for a week's holiday!" (With the tortoise)!  

Have a great summer holiday!  Look out for us in September!  

At Home with the Slaggs - part Nine

Marjorie, in many ways, was still a young woman.  So she bore the consequences of the Big Chief's visit.  

 "Bugger!"

 Paul, of course, embraced their new arrival.  He was dotty about children, and had always wanted more.  His Own preferably, but never mind.  

 Marjorie could hear Paul's heavy sighs as he resigned himself to never fathering a child of his own.  She knew what she had to do:

 And she presented him with the very thing he needed to see most. 
"A little something for you, Paul," Marjorie whispered.

 "Oh Marjorie!  Thank you so much!  Now I feel complete and whole again.  I am so grateful!"  Paul was overjoyed, even though he couldn't remotely remember doing it with his wife for the last few years.

"Good," Marjorie said, "I'm off out!  You can change it's fucking nappy!"

 Before she left the house, Marjorie quickly destroyed the forged DNA papers.  She didn't want Paul to examine them too closely.  It was naughty to tell lies, but to see the man's face light up like that......

This concludes the current series of The Slaggs.  
You may now Touch That Dial!!!

At Home with The Slaggs - part Eight

So, Running River and her Chief went to say farewell to the Amanda Ann's:

 At first, their hosts were frosty;
"You broke the heart of a good toff!  And now we've got a bloody chimp running about the house!", Paul accused.

 "But, oh boy, Paleface!  Big Chief - he hung like a goddammed horse!!!"

 "Really?? Oh, I mean, well, Really!!"

This was not the kind of thing we talked about in polite society, and so for a moment, there was a shocked silence.  


Then Marjorie moved over to the Big chief:

 "Erm...", she began tentatively, "We have an English tradition here.  You must escort the Lady of the house to the garden shed so she can er - examine the tools, so to speak"

 The Chief shrugged:  "Me buggered if me heard that one!".  But he followed Marjorie out to the garden all the same.  When in Rome and all that....

As the noise of the shed heaving up and down reached the conservatory, Running River turned to Paul expectantly, her eyes shining. 

However, his guest was to be disappointed:
"I'm sorry, Running River," Paul explained, "But I've gone gay - again."

"Heap load of shit!," the forthright native American cursed, "Gonna have to wait till reservation for some action!"

 Paul sat quietly and reflectively through the sounds of Marjorie's cries of ecstacy coming over the flower beds.  He was sad that his wife's leopard spots had not changed.  However, he wouldn't actually mind a go with Big Chief himself!

 Mary, serving the cake to their guest, was also reflective.  She wouldn't mind a go with that Big Chief herself.   That squaw didn't know she was born!

 And less than a few days later, back on home ground, the young bride got her heart's desire. All that could be heard along the plains were Running River's cries of ecstacy.

Tune in for the final installment, and see the consequences of Marjorie's toolshed frolics.

Same time, same channel, don't touch that dial!!!!

At Home with the Slaggs - Part Seven

Our hero, Mr Slagg, defended his own squaw admirably:

"Oi you!  Hands orf my bird!"

"Not after your bird, umm silly old fart!  me come for Running River!"

 Mr Slagg, hard put to contain his elation, said:

"We'll need to build a bigger canoe now, of course, but if we work all night...."

"Naw!  Screw that!  Got Business Class on Virgin!" 

 

Lord Posh appeared suddenly:

"You will Not have her!  Running River is mine!  I'll fight you to the death, Little Plum!  By God!  I will!"

"No umm need", Chief replied, "I bring goods for umm trade."

  Running River cannot believe her eyes. 

"It's Big Chief!  You came for me!"

"Yes, Squaw, you return to reservation now!"

 "Umm, sorry Poshie, gotta get flight to Nebraska!  Forgive Running River, umm?"

"Look at fine gifts umm future husband bring, and umm fags from Duty Free..."

"Yes, Lord Posh, dear.  You've always wanted a chimp, haven't you. And you can give those fags to Paul for Christmas.   Wish them well now, and stay for supper."

 So, like a true toff, Lord Posh kept a stiff upper lip, and accepted his gifts with grace.  He then joined the Slaggs for a liver casserole, and waited for Bella to get back from car washing at Tesco's.  

Tune in same time, same channel for the Chief and Running River's departure.  

Don't touch that dial!!!!

 

At Home with the Slaggs - Part Six

Upon discovery, Mr Slagg explained an (edited) version of Running River's presence.  All the same, Mrs Slagg did her nut:

"Oh, you wicked girl!  How could you break a good toff's heart like that?!  

"Hey, old woman.", Running River huffed, "You no understand.  Gotta get back to reservation.  New Chief hung like....."

"Ha, ha!", Mr Slagg cut in, "Very funny, my dear."

Suddenly, Lord Posh appears at the Slagg's humble abode!  

"My dear little Squaw!", our hero bursts, "I have searched everywhere for you, my deep and lasting love!"


Then suddenly:

A Big Indian Chief appears before Mrs Slagg.
"Oo-er!", were the words she uttered.

Is this Mrs Slagg's lot?  Will Mrs Slagg be scalped? Or whisked off to the other side of Nebraska to become a sex slave on a reservation?  Will she have to obey this robust and handsome Indian Chief's every whim?   

Tune in, same time, same channel....

Don't touch that dial!!!!

At Home With The Slaggs Part Five

Meanwhile, Poshie and Running River were very much an Item

 - Or were they?

Lord Posh dressed his new Gal with every finery, and he was hearing wedding bells 

 But all Running River seemed to hear were messages of running hooves from her sister-in-law back at the settlement..  Poshie sighed:
couldn't she use a fucking phone like everyone else?  He'd bought her the i-phone 5 for Lands sake!

 So one morning, when Mr Slagg left the house to do his son's gardening, he saw Running River waiting for him.  
With the current state of things indoors, she was the last person he wanted to see.  He didn't need any reminders of their embarassing fumble.  

"Please, Charlie, me need um help." She fought back tears.  
Mr Slagg was unmoved:
"Not bloody likely!  And besides you're about to be Lady of the Manor, aren't you?"

 "No, Charlie.  Sister-in-law drummed me last night.  New Chief now.  He got umm four wheel drive and plasma TV screen.  In with um chance.  Before other squaw get claws in."

 Despite his gloomy state of mind, Mr Slagg had to chuckle:
"Oh come, my dear.  You can't throw away everything for such shallow reasons.  Anyway, Lord Posh has a range rover, and I'm sure he'll upgrade that black and white television set for you."

 "Sister in law also say, new Chief hung like a horse!"
"Let's go and mend that canoe", Mr Slagg sighed, "But you'll have to hide for a while.  Can't have Mrs Slagg seeing you."

But it was too late:

 "And Who might this be?" Mrs Slagg demanded.
"Lumme!", said Mr Slagg

How will Mr Slagg and Running River explain their way out of this?  Will Running River get back across the Atlantic?  And will Mr Slagg avoid a cuff round the ear?  

 Tune in, same time, same channel!

Don't touch that dial!!!!

Life with the Slaggs Part Four

We now seem to be in possession of a new bed.  Better for my poor old back, than that plastic retro crap!  Bloody ebay! 

Sadly, it did nothing for mine and Mrs Slagg's Union.  It could not bring about that much longed-for spark.

 If only I didn't see the young Tarantella Slagg (from 30 years ago) everywhere I went.
Especially in the bathroom.  





So, one winter's evening, when Tarantella returned from the Amanda-Ann house, I explained how I felt.  It was dishonest to live in the past, and to deceive this good woman.  

 "I can only see the young You, Tarantella.  I only see that raven-haired stunning gypsy you once were. I see your former self everywhere in this house"

"Oh, you silly bugger!"  Mrs Slagg declared:

 "This is Bella.  I met her in Tesco car park.  I promised her she could sleep in the bathroom if she cleaned the house!  She don't speak much English tho'.  Don't know how much she understood."

I gulped:  "She's been in the bathroom the whole time?  She's a real person?"

"Yes, dear.  Never seen a tiled floor so clean!  Now, do you want your brisket stew or not?"

 Bugger!  Now I've got to avoid two women in the house!

Which way will Mr Slagg turn?  Will he stay and fight?  Or will he throw in the towel, and kip on his son's chaise lounge?  

 Sadly things only get worse for poor Mr Slagg.  Tune in same time, same channel, to see how our hero fights for another day.

Don't touch that dial!!!!