Unable to face the world, our hero takes to his bed........
Or rather, Mary's bed, who had no sympathy for her lovelorn father:
"Get out of my bed, Pops! How can I bring a bloke back 'ere and get pregnant if you're lying there like some leaden lump?! "
Then Mary softens: "Look, you pissed on your chips, but its not the end of the world. Get your arse back out there! And take your fuckin' tortoise with you!"
So Mr Slagg and the tortoise go out for a lonely stroll. Mary was quite wrong, it was the end of the world!
" 'ad about!", our hero said to the tortoise, "there's that funny looking (and familiar) mutt of Raymond's!"
"Woof!", barked the "mutt"
"Woof! Woof! Woof!"
"What's that?", said Mr Slagg, "You've been cast out by Raymond because you don't agree with his evil plans for Mrs Slagg??"
"Woof! Woof!"
"What's that? Keep an eye on Raymond, because he means harm!"
"Woof! Woof!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll go and get a plastic bag!"
So though it broke Mr Slagg's poor heart, at the crack of dawn, he spied on his former house cum love-nest.
Presently, his patience was rewarded. The creepy Raymond finally emerged.
So our hero followed the young scoundrel
But who were these sinister looking creatures Raymond has met up with? The ones he seems to look upon as his friends......?
"Blah blah blah", was all Mr Slagg could hear...
"Blah blah blah Mrs Slagg's up for it......"
Whatever could it all mean?
That evening, he meets Raymond's mutt up in the attic as arranged.
"Woof! Woof! Woof!", explains the canine creature.
"Oh my God!", Mr Slagg exclaims with horror, "Do you mean they're extra terrestials?! And they mean to use Mrs Slagg for relentless and kinky sex?!"
"Woof!", said the now stray dog
"And they intend to take her to the Planet Bang?!"
"Woof!"
"Aaargh!!!"
Can Mr Slagg rescue his paramour from a debauched fate? Or will she be up in that spaceship being entertained by those cute little aliens????
Tune in same time, same channel to see if Mr Slagg (and the mutt) can pull it off?
Don't touch that dial!!!
Our hero is trying to win back Mrs Slagg...
"Look at this sumptuous meal I've prepared! Tarantella will be putty in my hands once I light those candles! Will take her mind off that wally, Raymond once and for all!"
"I'll just toddle down and wait for her to finish her shift at the Amanda-Ann's"
But, upon arrival....
"Oh no, Charlie! That won't do at all! Raymond is taking me to La Gavroche, and then (she giggles sickingly) we're going to look at my picture of Audrey Hepburn" (that's in the bedroom).
"Noooo!", Mr Slagg thundered, "Not Audrey! Only we look at Audrey!"
Mrs Slagg ushered him outside...
"Don't you dare talk to me like that, Charlie!"
"But Audrey (and what follows) belongs to us!"
"Not anymore, Charlie. I've moved on!"
The thought of those two sharing pleasure at the iconic copy of Audrey Hepburn, something that was so exclusively theirs, along with other bedtime fun, filled Mr Slagg with agony.
But he wasn't giving up! He would win back Mrs Slagg's heart if it was the last thing he did!!!
Will Mr Slagg ever reunite with Mrs Slagg? Or has he really blown it this time?
Is Mrs Slagg really serious about the creepy Raymond? (I mean, he does look a bit on the dodgy side)
Tune in same time, same channel.....
Don't touch that dial.........
...to the further adventures of......
The Slaggs!!!
"Well, I'm in the doghouse. The Bog anyway..."
"Good Lord! It had meant nothing!"
"A mere flirtation. (In the bedroom)
Tarantella (back early from giving Bella, the scrubber, a smacking), her voice like the crack of a whip!"
"What the hell's going on, Charlie?!"
"I tried to reason with Tarantella, that that brassy woman meant nothing to me, and look, she's run straight into the arms of Lord Posh..."
(Between me and you, I suspect she's frigid!)
"But it was to no avail, I've got to sleep on the sofa - bah!!"
"She's too sensitive, you see. But so devoted:
Ah, sod this! The bath's not much more comfortable! I'll go and apologise to the gal!"
"Then it'll be steak pud and an early night!! Tee hee!!"
"But what's this........!"
"Oh Charlie, I'd like you to meet Raymond. He's going to stay for a while. So if you'd like to get your bags..."
"Whaat....!
And where is that mangy mutt going to sleep....??"
"I'll get her back. I swear I'll get her back. After all, tomorrow is another day."
Is this really curtains for the Slaggs as a couple? Has Mrs Slagg really grown tired of Mr Slagg's dalliances? Or will she give him another chance? After that Raymond looks a bit dodgy....
Tune in same time, same channel....
Don't touch that dial!!!!
Our hero is complaining - again!
Oh dear, whatever could have happened?
"I'll tell you what's happened! Mrs Slagg has become broody and adopted a load of Rumanian orphans!"
"This time she's gone too far! I'm orf (with the tortoise!)"
Oh no, Mr Slagg, please come back!
But our man was determined:
He went to stay with his daughter and maid of all work, Mary. But she had a right Cob-On!
"I 'ate fucking tortoises, me"
Not only that, but her sumptuous bathroom-
cum-guest/second bog, had been reduced considerably.
Simply because the Lady of the house's dippy cousin was coming to stay, and they had to make up a spare bedroom!
However, it was an ill wind and all that. Mr Slagg could enjoy this new guest room for a couple of weeks while cousin Daphne was at Boot Camp with Simon Cowell
However, the dream soon went sour:
Much as Mrs Slagg loved her orphans, it was lonely being a single parent. She took comfort in Mary, who loved them too. Reminding her of her own kids (now in a Borstal)
And Mr Slagg felt forlorn in that spacious but loveless spare room. There was only Lord Posh's chimp for company.
So that evening, Mr and Mrs Slagg had a private meeting in their bog.
Neither admitting how warm and safe they felt back together again.
After a long night, they came to an agreement:
Mary could keep the little buggers in the spare room, and adopt them!
"Whey-hey!", Mr Slagg rejoiced, "That's sorted! Now orf to Jaywick-on-Sea for a week's holiday!" (With the tortoise)!
Have a great summer holiday! Look out for us in September!
Marjorie, in many ways, was still a young woman. So she bore the consequences of the Big Chief's visit.
"Bugger!"
Paul, of course, embraced their new arrival. He was dotty about children, and had always wanted more. His Own preferably, but never mind.
Marjorie could hear Paul's heavy sighs as he resigned himself to never fathering a child of his own. She knew what she had to do:
And she presented him with the very thing he needed to see most.
"A little something for you, Paul," Marjorie whispered.
"Oh Marjorie! Thank you so much! Now I feel complete and whole again. I am so grateful!" Paul was overjoyed, even though he couldn't remotely remember doing it with his wife for the last few years.
"Good," Marjorie said, "I'm off out! You can change it's fucking nappy!"
Before she left the house, Marjorie quickly destroyed the forged DNA papers. She didn't want Paul to examine them too closely. It was naughty to tell lies, but to see the man's face light up like that......
This concludes the current series of The Slaggs.
You may now Touch That Dial!!!
So, Running River and her Chief went to say farewell to the Amanda Ann's:
At first, their hosts were frosty;
"You broke the heart of a good toff! And now we've got a bloody chimp running about the house!", Paul accused.
"But, oh boy, Paleface! Big Chief - he hung like a goddammed horse!!!"
"Really?? Oh, I mean, well, Really!!"
This was not the kind of thing we talked about in polite society, and so for a moment, there was a shocked silence.
Then Marjorie moved over to the Big chief:
"Erm...", she began tentatively, "We have an English tradition here. You must escort the Lady of the house to the garden shed so she can er - examine the tools, so to speak"
The Chief shrugged: "Me buggered if me heard that one!". But he followed Marjorie out to the garden all the same. When in Rome and all that....
As the noise of the shed heaving up and down reached the conservatory, Running River turned to Paul expectantly, her eyes shining.
However, his guest was to be disappointed:
"I'm sorry, Running River," Paul explained, "But I've gone gay - again."
"Heap load of shit!," the forthright native American cursed, "Gonna have to wait till reservation for some action!"
Paul sat quietly and reflectively through the sounds of Marjorie's cries of ecstacy coming over the flower beds. He was sad that his wife's leopard spots had not changed. However, he wouldn't actually mind a go with Big Chief himself!
Mary, serving the cake to their guest, was also reflective. She wouldn't mind a go with that Big Chief herself. That squaw didn't know she was born!
And less than a few days later, back on home ground, the young bride got her heart's desire. All that could be heard along the plains were Running River's cries of ecstacy.
Tune in for the final installment, and see the consequences of Marjorie's toolshed frolics.
Same time, same channel, don't touch that dial!!!!
