After storming out over the red three-piece suite, Mr Slagg goes to the Amanda Ann house to see Mary. Possibly the only one who would understand. However:
he chances upon a young and wild-looking girl lurking near the kitchen.
"Me Running River", she explains in halting English, "me leg it from Dentention Centre.
Me very hungry."
"Extraordinary," he chuckled, and led her in through the back door.
Running River ate hungrily, and in-between mouthfuls, she told Mr Slagg about herself:
"Me to marry Big Chief from reservation. He streak of paralysed piss. Me jump in canoe, go Dover!"
Mr Slagg's intentions to the barefooted girl were entirely honourable. He had a true concern for this vulnerable, yet mouthy, girl. But oh, how he wished she didn't remind him so much of Tarantella Slagg (30 years ago).
They went up to Mary's attic room, and Mr Slagg told his (adopted) daughter about Running River's plight, and could she put her up for a few days?
"Any fucking funny business, and I'm on the phone to the home office!", she greeted the young visitor to English shores warmly.
"Fuck off", Running River replied.
That done, and Mary on the dinner shift, he turned to go. He would wait for Mrs Marjorie to pass out, and then sleep on her sofa. He'd done it many times before.
However, Running River turned to Mr Slagg:
"Charlie? You come to bed, yes? We get married, yes? We love each other, yes?"
At the young girl's words, Mr Slagg legged it down the stairs, and necked some of the Master's wine immediately.
Why did she remind him of Tarantella so much?, he groaned. And could he really take on such a young wife? At his age? And whatever will he tell Mrs Slagg? And most of all, should he go back up those stairs?
Will Mr Slagg start a new life with the forthright and stunning native American? Or will Mary shop her to the Home Office? Or will he simply go back and watch Downton Abbey with his Mrs Slagg?
Tune in same time, same channel, to see the devastating consequences of Mr Slagg's decision.
Yes, it's time for the spinoff show, starring Mr and Mrs Slagg:
It was no good, Mrs Slagg just didn't Do It for him:
And having this ridiculous house foisted upon him did not help.
He tried to remember how wild and beautiful Tarantella Slagg was 30 years ago, but it wasn't enough.
And that night, he feigned his usual headache
He went down his local boozer for comfort:
But he found the clientelle old and tawdry
Neither did he find any understanding from his (illegitmate) son, and that ridiculous popstar, Madonna. Why had he bothered?
Then the last straw came when he returned to his new home, and saw the living room had been changed:
"What the fu...", he thundered
"But Charlie," Mrs Slagg tried to calm her fiancee down, "The chairs are real vintage plastic, and the bookcases can make us look cultural and that."
Mr Slagg stormed off in frustration. Was he no longer in control of this so-called home? How dare she furnish their house with such shit!! That was it. He was off!
Surely Mr Slagg would never leave the warmth of his dear Mrs Slagg? Or would he?
Was that plastic retro chair a tad too far? Or was he looking for something beyond that? Something from DFS maybe? Ikea perhaps? Argos has got some nice bits too.
Tune in same time, same channel to see Mr Slagg's shocking revelation!
