Whatever was going on outside Chez Slaggs?! Who were these 'beings'?
"Oh Charlie! Please make them go away!", Mrs Slagg called to her Husband from the window:
Without another word, Mr Slagg confronted the hostile crowd:
"What the fuck is all this? Take me to your leader now!"
"My hero", sighed Mrs Slagg
He was led to their leader:
"What the blazes is all this about?!"
"The new messiah!", the unassuming chief replied, "Your female has him. He belongs to us."
"Oh! You mean the brat? Why the bloody hell didn't you say so? We'll throw in the pram an' all! 'old on a tick!"
Mrs Slagg, who had overheard, was as sharp as a whip:
"It's a No, Charlie!"
"For Gods sake, woman! Do you want to get rid of this shower or not??"
"This is my last chance to raise a child, I'm not giving him up!"
Without another word, Mr Slagg grabbed the pram and infant, and handed it over to the dubious looking cult leader.
"Take him and fuck off! 'Bye, Bratt!"
"Hail! Hail! The New Messiah!", their chants grew fainter as they walked off back into the hills.
"I'm sorry, Tarantella, it had to be done"
"That was my last chance to raise a child!", she wailed.
"Nonsense, we can loads more! Now, I need a pint!", and our hero left the childless house.
Mrs Slagg grew thoughtful:
Loads more - eh?
Many hours later, Mr Slagg returned.
A sense of forboding engulfed him
"Oh Charlie...!", Mrs Slagg cooed.
"Look! I've got the Romanian orphans back off Mary! They've come home to us!"
"Rats cocks!"
Will Mr Slagg embrace Fatherhood at last?
Tune in same time, same channel for the gripping concluding episode..
Don't touch that dial!!!
Our hero is devastated. He will never be rid of this demonic brat:
And the last straw came when he confronted 'the thing' while eating his Farley's Rusks
"I'll get rid of you if it's the last thing I do!", threatened Mr Slagg.
"So - er - how's brassy lady ?", the young infant sneered.
"You - you wouldn't..."
"Oh Mama!", lisped Raymond Junior
"Shut up! Stop it!"
And Mr Slagg fled.
And moved in with an old pal, who was caretaker at some crumbling mansion outside Dollis Hill. It wasn't ideal, but his mate had the run of the house, as long as he looked after the creepy kid with curly hair.
"You ought to see mine !" Mr Slagg mumbled.
They rubbed along well enough, but Mr Slagg worried for his new wife. But to stay there with that kid would be intolerable, and if he set foot back in that door, the brat would tell her about Brassy Lady!
Then the inevitable happened.
An urgent phone call came through for Mr Slagg:
"'ello?", he answered cautiously
"Charlie!", Mrs Slagg was breathless with fear:
"Please come quickly! Help!"
Mr Slagg legged it to his former home as fast as he feasibly could.
"Oh my giddy aunt!", he exclaimed on arrival:
"Hail! Hail!" , the bizarre crowd chanted
"What the fu......"
"Charlie! Charlie!", Mrs Slagg called from the window, "Who are they? Get rid of them!"
Will Mr Slagg save his new wife from this evil cult? Or will he go to the pub?
Tune in same time, same channel...
Don't touch that dial!!!
Mrs Slagg entered in the nick of time:
"Why, Charlie, what are you doing with little Raymond? Look how upset he is!"
Raymond looked cute and angelic as Mrs Slagg put him in his pram.
"Now you take him out, Charlie. The zoo would be nice."
This gave Mr Slagg an idea:
He drudged the "child" to their local zoo.
He turned to the two monkeys hovering beside him:
"Oi, you two! You'd like a child to bring up, wouldn't you? Like Tarzan and that? You can 'ave this one!"
"No! Fuck off!"
They retorted, as they swung across the railings.
Mr Slagg, somewhat foolishly, entered the lion's den.
"Oi, are you hungry? I've got a kid 'ere you could rip apart! Or adopt 'im. Don't care either way!"
"You'll have to ask our Dad. 'ere he comes now!"
"No!", Dad roared, "Fuck off!"
Mr Slagg legged it, and was despondent, until:
"Yay! A bus! One of Boris Johnson's new ones. I could leave the little bugger on there. Father's do it all the time."
Mr Slagg did just that, but as he smugly entered the house:
"Oh hello, Charlie. A nice bus driver dropped our baby home. "His eyes!" he kept saying,
I told him, he has his father's eyes, and he ran off screaming! Why?"
"Rats cocks!"
Will Mr Slagg ever rid his home of this evil child?
Or will he have to suffer those eyes for all eternity?
Tune in, same time, same channel for the next gripping instalment.
Don't touch that dial!!!
"Charlie, I'm so dreadfully sorry.", was all Mrs Slagg could offer
Mr Slagg thought she didn't look that sorry, the way she fawned over that....thing !!
"Please, Charlie", Mrs Slagg implored her new husband, "Embrace 'our' son. He's part of our lives now."
But Mr Slagg remained rigid.
Mr Slagg's other (illegitimate) son, Paul, called round to see his new 'sibling'.
"I say, he's a bit of a whopper - what! Welcome to the world, little brother"
The Brassy lady, with whom our hero still took comfort from a few days a week, tried to encourage him to embrace fatherhood:
"But his eyes...."
"He has his father's eyes", she replied coldly.
So Mr Slagg relinquished his ideal of bathing a perfect baby and tried to come round to the idea:
And one day, he decided to bite the bullet and hold it - him.....
But......
But upon picking up the little git, it went for his throat. Mr Slagg saw his frustrated life flash before him....
Is Raymond's son trying to kill off our hero? Will this be the end of Mr Slagg as we know him? And will the brat's father Raymond take over the series? Or will Brassy Lady muscle in?
Don't miss the next installment! Same time, same channel.........
