At Home with The Slaggs - Part Five

Mr Slagg immediately jumps into action:

 "Unhand her!  You....you aliens!!!"

 But the mutt and the tortoise were too slick for them.  Tortoise went straight for the foot, and the mutt went straight for the nether regions.
"That fuckin' hurt !", one of the aliens muttered. 

 "Fuck off, earthling!" Raymond confronted Mr Slagg, "It's too late.  Mrs Slagg is bound for a debauched existence on the Plant Bang!"






Mr Slagg then poked Raymond in the eye.  Who subsequently ran off, exclaiming that he was getting his mum up here! 

 "Oh thank God, Tarantella.  I've just saved you from being transported to the Planet Bang!  Once there, you would have had to have endured constant and kinky sex!"

Mrs Slagg, although admiring Mr Slagg's bravery, secretly wished he'd had minded his own business.  

 "Well, we're back together now, my dear.  Tell me, was Raymond a better lover than me?"

"No, Charlie," Mrs Slagg lied.




"Not only that," Mr Slagg continued, "But we have gained two lovely pets.  A complete family at last.  No more of this talk of adopting kids, eh?"

 Mrs Slagg simply sighed, and said:
"Okay, Charlie.  Now when are we setting this wedding date....?"

"Ah, I must be off now...."

 "Bastard!", cried Mrs Slagg.

Well, look's like it's back to normal for The Slaggs.  Things could so easily have been different!  

You may now touch that dial!!  Only until the Christmas Special gets made, I mean aired.  

 

The Slaggs Part Four

Upon hearing this terrible news, Mr Slagg runs to his former paramour, his heart pounding:

 "Tarantella," he panted, "If it's marriage you want, then we'll go to the register office now.  The "mutt" can be our witness!"

 "Oh bless your heart, Charlie!  I'm going to be a bride anyway.  I've just accepted Raymond's proposal - he made it just after our morning bath - titter!!"

Mr Slagg shuddered!  
He was grateful the tortoise had been with him, and not been able to witness such filth!






 

 

Just in time, he regained his senses.  

"Tarantella!  Listen to me!  You are in great danger!  Raymond is not all he seems!"

"Oh  you jealous old fool!"

"Please believe me!  It's a trap!"

"Sod off, Charlie!"

 

 "Yeah!  Bugger off, earthling!  I mean, Slagg!"
Raymond put the boot in.  

So that, as they say, was that.  

Mr Slagg took comfort with the brassy lady, and moved in with her for a while.  But she was a cold type, and her table was bare.

Then suddenly:

He heard an urgent and familiar cry:

It was Mrs Slagg in distress!








"Oh help, Charlie!  Help!"

Oh no!  Is this it for Mrs Slagg?  Should she have heeded Mr Slagg's warning?

Will Mr Slagg be able to rescue his former love from a life of debauched sexual activity on the planet Bang?  Or will he miss the number 11 bus, and it would be all too late?  

Tune in same time, same channel for the next gripping episode.  

Don't touch that dial!!! 

PART THREE

Unable to face the world, our hero takes to his bed........

 

 Or rather, Mary's bed, who had no sympathy for her lovelorn father:

"Get out of my bed, Pops!  How can I bring a bloke back 'ere and get pregnant if you're lying there like some leaden lump?! "

Then Mary softens:  "Look, you pissed on your chips, but its not the end of the world.  Get your arse back out there!  And take your fuckin' tortoise with you!"

 So Mr Slagg and the tortoise go out for a lonely stroll.  Mary was quite wrong, it was the end of the world!

" 'ad about!", our hero said to the tortoise, "there's that funny looking (and familiar) mutt of Raymond's!"

"Woof!", barked the "mutt"
"Woof!  Woof!  Woof!"

"What's that?", said Mr Slagg, "You've been cast out by Raymond because you don't agree with his evil plans for Mrs Slagg??"

"Woof!  Woof!"

"What's that?  Keep an eye on Raymond, because he means harm!"

"Woof!  Woof!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll go and get a plastic bag!"

So though it broke Mr Slagg's poor heart, at the crack of dawn, he spied on his former house cum love-nest.

Presently, his patience was rewarded.  The creepy Raymond finally emerged.

So our hero followed the young scoundrel

But who were these sinister looking creatures Raymond has met up with?  The ones he seems to look upon as his friends......?

"Blah blah blah", was all Mr Slagg could hear...
"Blah blah blah Mrs Slagg's up for it......"

Whatever could it all mean?  

That evening, he meets Raymond's mutt up in the attic as arranged.  
"Woof! Woof! Woof!", explains the canine creature.
"Oh my God!", Mr Slagg exclaims with horror, "Do you mean they're extra terrestials?!  And they mean to use Mrs Slagg for relentless and kinky sex?!"
"Woof!", said the now stray dog
"And they intend to take her to the Planet Bang?!"

"Woof!"

 "Aaargh!!!"

Can Mr Slagg rescue his paramour from a debauched fate?  Or will she be up in that spaceship being entertained by those cute little aliens????

Tune  in same time, same channel to see if Mr Slagg (and the mutt) can pull it off?  

Don't touch that dial!!!

Part Two........

Our hero is trying to win back Mrs Slagg...

 "Look at this sumptuous meal I've prepared!  Tarantella will be putty in my hands once I light those candles! Will take her mind off that wally, Raymond once and for all!"

 "I'll just toddle down and wait for her to finish her shift at the Amanda-Ann's"



But, upon arrival....

 "Oh no, Charlie!  That won't do at all!  Raymond is taking me to La Gavroche, and then (she giggles sickingly) we're going to look at my picture of Audrey Hepburn"  (that's in the bedroom).

"Noooo!", Mr Slagg thundered, "Not Audrey!  Only we look at Audrey!"

Mrs Slagg ushered him outside...

  "Don't you dare talk to me like that, Charlie!"

"But Audrey (and what follows) belongs to us!"

"Not anymore, Charlie.  I've moved on!"

 The thought of those two sharing pleasure at the iconic copy of Audrey Hepburn, something that was so exclusively theirs, along with other bedtime fun, filled Mr Slagg with agony.

 But he wasn't giving up!  He would win back Mrs Slagg's heart if it was the last thing he did!!!

Will Mr Slagg ever reunite with Mrs Slagg?  Or has he really blown it this time?  

Is Mrs Slagg really serious about the creepy Raymond?  (I mean, he does look a bit on the dodgy side)

Tune in same time, same channel.....
Don't touch that dial.........

Welcome back.........

...to the further adventures of......

 The Slaggs!!!

"Well, I'm in the doghouse.  The Bog anyway..."

"Good Lord!  It had meant nothing!"

"A mere flirtation.  (In the bedroom)
Tarantella (back early from giving Bella, the scrubber, a smacking), her voice like the crack of a whip!"

"What the hell's going on, Charlie?!"









"I tried to reason with Tarantella, that that brassy woman meant nothing to me, and look, she's run straight into the arms of Lord Posh..."

 (Between me and you, I suspect she's frigid!)









"But it was to no avail, I've got to sleep on the sofa - bah!!"

"She's too sensitive, you see.  But so devoted:

Ah, sod this!  The bath's not much more comfortable!  I'll go and apologise to the gal!"

"Then it'll be steak pud and an early night!!  Tee hee!!"








"But what's this........!"

"Oh Charlie, I'd like you to meet Raymond.  He's going to stay for a while.  So if you'd like to get your bags..."

"Whaat....!  
And where is that mangy mutt going to sleep....??"


"I'll get her back.  I swear I'll get her back.  After all, tomorrow is another day."

Is this really curtains for the Slaggs as a couple?  Has Mrs Slagg really grown tired of Mr Slagg's dalliances?  Or will she give him another chance?  After that Raymond looks a bit dodgy....

Tune in same time, same channel....
Don't touch that dial!!!!

At Home with the Slaggs Summer Special

Our hero is complaining - again!

 Oh dear, whatever could have happened?

 "I'll tell you what's happened!  Mrs Slagg has become broody and adopted a load of Rumanian orphans!"

 "This time she's gone too far!  I'm orf (with the tortoise!)"

Oh no, Mr Slagg, please come back!





But our man was determined:

 He went to stay with his daughter and maid of all work, Mary.  But she had a right Cob-On!
"I 'ate fucking tortoises, me"

 Not only that, but her sumptuous bathroom-
cum-guest/second bog, had been reduced considerably. 

Simply because the Lady of the house's dippy cousin was coming to stay, and they had to make up a spare bedroom!  

 However, it was an ill wind and all that.  Mr Slagg could enjoy this new guest room for a couple of weeks while cousin Daphne was at Boot Camp with Simon Cowell



However, the dream soon went sour:

 Much as Mrs Slagg loved her orphans, it was lonely being a single parent.  She took comfort in Mary, who loved them too.  Reminding her of her own kids (now in a Borstal)

 And Mr Slagg felt forlorn in that spacious but loveless spare room.  There was only Lord Posh's chimp for company.

So that evening, Mr and Mrs Slagg had a private meeting in their bog.  
Neither admitting how warm and safe they felt back together again.

After a long night, they came to an agreement:

Mary could keep the little buggers in the spare room, and adopt them!

"Whey-hey!", Mr Slagg rejoiced, "That's sorted!  Now orf to Jaywick-on-Sea for a week's holiday!" (With the tortoise)!  

Have a great summer holiday!  Look out for us in September!